here is a different approach. Since I’m a guy, I’ve written it in terms of putting attention on a woman. I’ve tried to be brief, I’m sure I’ve left some things out. This is what I've been taught that I've tried and found works. I ask a lot of questions and am constantly learning more from the women I'm with.

All the same principles apply to both using your tongue or using your (lubricated) hands. Mostly I do with my hands – the lubricated middle finger of my R hand on her lubricated clitoris.

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Think of going on a roller coaster: going up, going down, a mix of fast and slow, predictable and (seemly) out of control. But all of it with the goal of fun, all of it safe (although it may not feel that way at some moments).

So how do you take her on that orgasmic ride?

First ask her – how does she like to be touched, where, with what pressure, for how long – get any information you can from her about her likes and dislikes, preferences, favorites.

When you touch her - ask yourself - what is she feeling - how does she feel to you right now? Using your body as your sensory instrument, observer her, feel her.

When you do a stroke, it could be: more, less, or the same amount of pleasurable as the previous stroke. The intensity of her pleasure could increase, decrease or stay the same. moment by moment.

Something that is good, if repeated enough, becomes “more of the same” and eventually boring. Is the 83rd bite of chocolate as interesting as the first bite?

Each stroke is an offer of pleasure. Strokes can be the same or different, You can offer different: pressure, speed, length, or location. In particular there are so many nerve endings in the clitoris that each millimeter of surface is its own entire sensory universe.

To begin with, you want to establish a steady dependable stroke – one that she can count on, and once you’ve established that trust – once she can tell that you feel her, then you can think about variations.

When you do a stroke with your full attention on her, and appreciating how good she feels - you may have the thought to make the next stroke different – you might think “how about more pressure?” So you make the next stroke a little bit heavier. And you notice – does she feel more pleasure, the same pleasure, or less pleasure than she felt with my previous stroke? If the intensity of the pleasure is increasing – that’s great, and you might try another small increment in pressure. If the intensity is not increasing, perhaps offer the reverse – a little lighter - and see what her response is. Or take a break. A break could be as short as skipping a single stroke. Don’t forget, pressure is only one of many things you can vary. And going down is just as much fun as going up and just as righteous a direction.

If you feel which direction she is going, and can feel her respond to you, amplify that - take her there faster and further than she planned on going. but pay attention and notice if she changes direction - if you are going down and she changes her mind and starts to go up - take her up, or if you are going up and she decides to go down - take her down.

Oral sex is a little hard in that its tough to ask questions. Otherwise you can say “would you like less pressure?” “Would you like a longer stroke?” “would you like to take a break?” “Yes/no” questions work the best.

Generally, but not always, lighter pressures are tumescing, heavier pressure is detumescing.

You will both have the best time if your goal at each instant is to have the most fun in that instant. Only “do” her for as long it is fun for you both.

If you find your mind wanders, or if you notice you are tired, stiff, any discomfort - take a break, and if something needs to be changed or adjusted, do it – otherwise your attention will be on that something else, not on her. “I’m going to take a break here.” “Would you like a sip of water? Wine? Shall I change the music? Would you like another pillow – are you warm enough? Would you like me to touch you more?”

There is only so much attention that she will want from you at a particular moment. This is a right thing, and she is right. She might only want 2 minutes – so enjoy every atom of every stroke for that two minutes.

When you are ready to end, make sure that she is detumesced – she might like some firm pressure on her crotch or broadly on her body to help her come down and be back in her body.